Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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