she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
