Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
