I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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