I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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