false alarm. still invincible.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
