Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
