I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
