a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
