my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
