Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
