I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
