The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
