Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
