I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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