the condom got lost in my hair
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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