Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
