He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
