She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
