Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
True strength comes from lack of pants
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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