We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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