in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
