So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
