Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
operation harelip BJ is a go
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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