I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
