A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
