you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize