(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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