I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
