I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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