Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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