smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
