I haven't been this sober since birth.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
