theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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