I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
