my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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