i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
