we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
