So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
