My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
