Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
