I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
