Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
