Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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