this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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