I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
