4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
