im drinking this country out of the recession.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
