guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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