I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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