you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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