The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
