if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
