I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
