I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
