Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
