Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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